So I’ve just recently learned to listen and live. As dumb as that sounds it is completely honest… You know how you hear those outrageous stories of people killing other people because ‘God spoke to them and told them to do it?’ First off, don’t worry! I’m right there with you thinking: ‘That’s crazy!!!’ But. What about the general idea of God speaking to us? Does he? Well here’s my experience with this…:
For over three years now I have struggled with a particular sin that just seemed to plague my life. Yeah, to the innocent bystander my life seemed whole, perfect. Believe me it was no such thing! I felt two-faced and unworthy of God’s love. I sought the help and guidance of an old friend and mentor. I sought answers. I was just looking for a quick fix and was informed over and over that there was no such thing. But the idea of no quick fix didn’t penetrate my brain. I must have been being pretty dense! Now back to my original story of God speaking to me…
Let me first say that: No I didn’t have this stunning vision with an angel and Jesus. Nor did I hear voices in my head. There was nothing special about this particular situation. It all started this past Monday. I was having the stereotypical Monday: a bad day. I felt groggy and disconnected. First hour I had my college classes which basically is just sitting in a computer lab on my laptop and working. Well of course I was already having a bad day so I was just sitting and staring at my screen. Finally, after a half hour was zoning out I shook myself from my stupor and decided I might as well go to the library and talk with other friends I knew were in there. So I asked to be dismissed and left.
I walked in the library and just a few of my friends were sitting at the tables looking at newspapers and talking. I sat down and started talking just as the teacher who had dismissed me walked in the door and said, “This isn’t social hour! You’re supposed to be getting a book to read, Jordan!” I jumped up and snatched the first book within reach and replied, “I am!” He smiled knowingly and walked out. I looked at the book I had grabbed: Right Behind You, by Gail Giles. I started reading the 292 page book and didn’t stop until I had finished it. And what did I find? I found the main character had a problem that paralleled that of my own sin. And by the end of the story Kip/Wade (the main character) finally figured out the answer to his problem.
You see Kip/Wade did something terrible in the past and couldn’t live with himself. He couldn’t forgive himself nor live with the shame or guilt, and so he would continually hurt himself. And at the end of the book he finally realized that he didn’t need to forgive himself. He just needed to understand that was has been done is done. He needed to simply live with the memory rather than to try to cover it up and forget it. The final words of the book are what hit it home for me:
“’I’m here,” she said. ‘Standing right behind you.’”
I couldn’t believe it. That conclusion of the climax just smacked me in the face. I didn’t need to try to forget my sin and cover up my past like Wade. I just simply needed to shut up, listen to God, and live with it, and God is right there with me. He has my back. Knowing what has happened in the past is my best weapon to prevent it from happening over and over like before. After my totally un-dramatic realization it literally felt like a huge burden was taken off me. Like I was finally free.
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